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| I want to quit smoking, though I'm not sure enough if I really want to do it. I mean I tell myself I want to quit, and I still go out and buy cigarettes. The Benefits of smoking most definitely outweigh the cost of smoking. Between the price of cigarettes going up, the health problems, and the social problems it causes, what IS the point in smoking, really?
Reasons why I smoke:
Stress.
Just to do it.
Pass time.
Bored.
Other people are doing it.
Pissed off.
Reasons why I want to quit?:
Smell better
Better appeal to people.
Healthier
Breathe better.
Health Health Health
Stop Disgusting my non-smoking friends.
How will I accomplish this? I keep going through it in my head, but I really don't know how to move forward in this. I know to set a quit date, but what's really GOING to keep me from smoking, other than wanting to. My mom smokes, which will make it that much harder. I know I'm going to get moody, possibly gain weight, get headaches, and who knows what else.
Who will be my support group? Who will help me if I happen to fail? What will I do when I crave a cigarette?
In order to start quitting smoking, I believe I'll stop smoking in my car. If I can avoid smoking while driving, I will slowly be able to build up the resistance so I won't need nicotine so much. I don't have the money to pay for nicotine patches, nicotine gum, chantix, or any of that stuff. And I know I can't just quit cold turkey. I can't go back and say "I regret picking up smoking," Because one of the things I say is, "Never Regret Anything You Once Wanted."
I'm ready to be a quitter.
But I'm not quite sure how.
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| Everyone says "you can't run away from your problems." Is this true? I'm thinking Not So Much. If all your problems are centered in one central area, say for example, the area in which I live, and 40 miles in all directions. I'm pretty sure I can run away from my problems. Moving out of the area would solve most of them. AND It would only create one problem.... Being away from my mother and step-father, two of the best people anyone could ask for.
My main problem is with the people around here. Most of them are so two faced. Yes, I know two faced people are everywhere, but I want to go somewhere where practically no body knows my name. Where no one knows my past, where my secrets, are still secrets. Around here, you tell someone that you think is your best friend a secret, they go and blab it around. Granted, I know that happens everywhere else also. I know there are bad people everywhere, and I know that I always try to find the good in people, even if they treat me wrongly.
My problems? That's not so simple to define, I don't even know my problems. I know one of my problems is whenever something bugs me, I just want to run away. Yes, that's a problem. Gosh, half the times we've moved is because I suggested to my parents I wanted to go away. I suppose one of the best things was moving down here. I've grown away from many of my friends, but for some reason, I just don't really care. Now that I look back, barely any of them were real friends anyways. One of them that was, is dead now. I still haven't deleted her number out of my phone, so I go to choose her for forwards, or go to call her when something is bothering me. I wish I could go sit at her grave and talk to her more often, but that's about 45 miles north of here, and I don't always have the gas, or the time to go up there.
My escape used to be work. Now, work is practically my impending doom. I love my customers, don't get me wrong, some of them are very kind, sweet, and funny. They put me in a better mood sometimes, but sometimes they just tear me down. Same with coworkers. I know they don't mean to. I know their "insults" are meant as jokes. But sometimes they just hurt. Yes, I realize I do stupid things. I realize I mix numbers up, especially with reading prices back to customers. But sometimes, I just can't help it. I get dizzy, I think I read things off correctly, but then I realize I don't, especially if they don't hand me enough money, and I'm like "uhm, it's this much" and they get all pissy with me. I mean I understand they don't know I was in a serious accident almost a year ago, which completely screwed up my head, and my thought process. But still, no reason to be so cruel. No reason to treat me like dirt because I'm working at a gas station. Hello, I'm a college student, I'm not going to have the greatest job while I'm in college. I'm basically still a kid, you can't judge me on my job. I'm surely not staying there forever, only while I'm in school.
I wish life was simple enough that I could just up and leave it all, run away, go to a new, possibly better place. New places have such great possibilities, especially if nobody knows your name, where you've come from, or your history. I know I probably shouldn't be such an open book, but there's nothing about me to hide. If you want to know something about me, I'll tell you. I don't have anything to hide, even though sometimes I feel like I should hide everything, become a recluse, and not mention how anything makes me feel. I feel like I shouldn't cry so much, or let things bother me so much.
Many people write on here, just to get featured. That's not what I'm about, especially since I know this won't be featured, as it's a million different thoughts, not completely elaborated on, and not really having to do with anything. It's my feelings, just falling out of my brain, into my fingertips, onto the computer. And I'm alright with that. My thoughts change from one minute from the next, hence all the different subjects. I type about one, then I realize something else, and start to type about that. I'm not one to focus my thoughts on just one thing. That could possibly be why I don't do so well on my papers in English. I used to be able to control it, but since my accident, it's hard, and I just don't try so hard anymore. My brain, is my brain now. I'm not going to change it, It was changed for me, against my will. Though I've always had problems making decisions. I'd think about them in a million different perspectives, to the point where I couldn't possibly make a decision with all the possiblities going through in my head.
Though this rant can probably go on forever. But I think I'm going to end it here. Maybe it's time for bed, I don't think I'll be getting any calls tonight. Though I could always have that hopeful wishing.
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| The past two times I've gone to the Emergency Room, they made me sit there for 3 hours, just to tell me "We don't know what's wrong with you."
Back in the day, especially when I was younger, they found out what was wrong with you, then recommended you to a doctor after treating you. Now, they make you sit there for hours, shove IV's in you for no reason, give you a CT scan, and say "We don't know what's wrong with you, here's numbers to 3 different specialists, call them."
WHAT THE HELL?
And the time before today I went, They did an x-ray, made me sit for four hours, gave me pain pills and told me "we don't know whats wrong with you." I said eff that, went to my chiropractor and found out my shoulder was popped out of place. How could they NOT see that on an X-ray. My Chiro didn't even have to take an X-RAY to figure that one out, he popped it back into place and I was fine.
We pay all this money for health care, and the option of going to the emergency room, and more than half the time you have to sit for hours, and they tell you "we don't know what's wrong."
Hell, today they took me back before they took a guy back that looked like he was having a heart attack. Lets see, left arm pain, clutching his chest. What. The. Hell.
Seriously, what is this coming to?
We've got state of the art equipment. Plenty of beds, Plenty of nurses, but yet they can't take proper care of us? Health care is a joke to me now. seriously
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| It was a message Social Me, and application on facebook, from a guy named David: "Blow me slutty little gross girl"
My response you ask?: Awe honey, that's so kind of you.
If you think little comments like that are going to offend or upset me, think again. It just reminds me that people like you, have low self esteem issues, and have no chance with a girl like me. And calling me a whore for a picture? Hah, that's good, and SO original.
If you're going to insult me, gain some originality with it, it'll look better.
I'm still laughing, that people can call people a "whore" because of a picture. By no means does a picture define on whether a person is a whore or not. Yes, a picture can look "slutty" or "whorish" but by no means does it mean someone is a "whore". I have a whole blog on "whorish" and "sluttish" posted a few blogs below.
The picture that was posted you ask?
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| I just can't seem to let myself get close to someone, unless I know they're bad for me. Especially guys. If I know a guy, is a genuine good guy I pull away from them. Especially if I feel myself getting close to them. Yet, if I know nothing good will come of something, if I know I will get hurt, I'll let myself get close to the person, and then, of course get hurt. It's almost like I'm asking to get hurt, that I welcome it, and that I expect it.
My mother says it all stems from the rejection of my Biological Father, but I don't see how. I've got an amazing family/support group, my uncle was like my father for so long, and I've got my step-father, who is one of the best people I have ever met in the world. So I don't completely understand how that rejection can affect me so much. I know I'm hurt by his rejection, and that I still want his love, no matter what, because I know I love him.
But for an example, lets use this "relationship" I have with this guy, lets call him "M." I know nothing will become of M and I, but yet I still want him around. He rarely texts or even calls anymore, and stopped about a week after the last time I saw him. Last time I've seen him was February Second. I've tried to hang out with him and such, but anytime I suggest it, magically, his car breaks. Yet I still text and try to get a hold of him. I told him I'm going to have the house to myself, and I'm not going to be doing anything. I'm not the type to throw a party or anything, but he said "yes, you will, ME!" Now I know what this relationship is basically going to be. I'm basically just a booty call, around when he wants, but him not being around when I want him to be. I know what it is, but I won't call it off.
Now lets talk about "S." S and I became friends, had him come over and we played twister and laughed and joked around. Then I had him come over again, and stay the night with me and my niece. We played games, video games and what not, and after I dropped him off, I kind of completely dropped him. I want like nothing to do with him now. I know he's a good guy. Before we hung out, he'd listen to my problems, talk to me, and just basically bull crap around with me. I know something good could come out of that. But I don't want it. I want "M."
(By the way, the letters do not reflect their names at all, not even close.)
It's like I want the guys I can't have, that I know aren't good for me. I know I don't want to get married, because I hold marriage in such high regard, and I don't think I could ever trust someone so much as to marry them. I've been engaged twice, yes, but I called it off, both times, knowing I didn't want to marry them, and I just couldn't devote my life away so young. I'm only 19. I was engaged at 16, and 18.
I've noticed this isn't just with prospective boyfriends, or just guys in general. It's with friends too. Say I meet someone that could be a good friend, I'll hang out with them once or twice, or make plans, and I break them. I don't really want friends anymore. I get attached easily, and I can't handle another one dying. Especially another one so close.
I just want Jennifer back. I miss her. She was one of the best people in the world, and I'll always miss her. =(
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